Hello, long time no see? It's once again been over a year since I've been (publicly) on here. I am now seventeen, turning eighteen this month. I don't know where to begin, so I'll give a small resume of the reasons for the the lack of consistency before jumping into the deep end with all the details.
Short version:
After my last post
[Here] was made, I ended up using my
personal tumblr rather than Blogger. This is because my Blogger was supposed to have less personal details (because really, I doubt you guys would want to hear about my health issues interfering again and again with my life mixed in with what my last post promised) and more
Content. Alas, it's very difficult to regularly make blog posts on two separate domains while still having a sense of order and quality. So, what ended up happening is silence on here for 2 years, and a Lot of long posts on my personal tumblr. There will be a more detailed version of this small summary at the end.
Alright. According to the last two posts on here, the last you heard (unless you read my personal blog on tumblr) was that I was back home and in school, with a ferret. Since then, I have not been back in the hospital, thankfully, and I have made it to senior year. Nonetheless, it's been very stressful and I can't lie and say I haven't have my crises. However, out of all the time since my last post, I am happy to say I haven't been better than I am now.
I do hope you'll forgive my absence, I truly am intending to make a comeback again. The difference this time, though, is that I feel ready and there isn't anything right now that should impede such comeback. If any of you are still here, I thank you for your patience with me.
Now, if you'd like to hear a more in-depth version of what you just read, continue to the next block of writing below. Beware: two years can hold a great deal of happenings, not all positive, you've been warned.
During my absence, I wasn't in the best health. Along with the things I don't really have control over, there was one thing that I chose to have in my life that did not help the situation. Quite the opposite. You see, at that time there was one constant for about two years: a person I will call Are. I probably wont ever mention this person again, since it is now in the past and I am in a better place. For the sake of informing those who wish to know the reasons for my absence, it is necessary I mention Are.
This person was both positive and incredibly toxic to me. How can something or someone be positive yet toxic? It just takes a few lies, my friend. Unfortunately, the positive aspects of this person on my life were superficial, a thin sweet film on the surface of a bitter underneath. Now, I know this person has some reason for having been so damaging. But this reason was not enough to justify the actions,and for once in my life, I put my well-being first. I took everyone's advice one final day (including the advice of several professionals) and ended all contact. Because when someone refuses to work on their faults and stated they have no desire to change while taking advantage of your own vulnerable and unstable state while manipulating you, it's time to choose. Your health, or their satisfaction? This may seem like an easy choice to you, and really it should have been. But I've never been one to put myself first, even if sacrificing myself wasn't actually helping the person I was putting first. Satisfaction does not mean Right. A child may want to only eat sweets, never anything else. If you comply and give them solely sweets you are satisfying them. But what effect is this having on their body, on their needs? This was what I was doing. Except I wasn't just giving in to this person, I was allowing them to harm me as well. This is why I took the decision to end our relationship (both platonic and not).
Now, back to why I mentioned Are in the first place. As I said, Are was the one thing that was constant. We were inseparable. While Are's presence was a comfort, that was about it. We fought often, about things I could not help, things they took wrong, or things I didn't know they disliked. It was an unhealthy dynamic: the submissive gets attacked, is not allowed to defend himself, backs down, takes the blame for things they did not know were 'wrong'. Repeat. This was just another thing in my life that took up all my time and energy. Even though I wanted to be productive, the stress I was under at all times just didn't allow it. All I had time for was school until 3, and Are until the moment I fell asleep. I blogged about my personal state while Are wasn't present. It was always the stress, the unhappiness I felt, the knowledge that if I wasn't on constant overdrive I would end up in the hospital again and ruin my apparent progress. You see, after the 5th hospitalization of the type I had, they send you somewhere long term. This would be at least 6 months, as was state policy. These would be 6 months of disconnect from the world, absence from school, further knowledge that I failed at the simplest things in life. Also the guilt that I abandoned Are for my own issues.
As I mentioned above, I had several therapists, other adults, my friends, and family tell me this was unhealthy, that I needed to stop defending Are. And I eventually did, but the damage was done. Even after Are was gone, I still could not produce content other than the venting necessary to stay sane. It's been over a year and I've managed to almost entirely reverse the mindset I was in where I had to analyze every little thing I said to decipher every small misinterpretation that could be made from my words. Of course, this became easier when I met my current partner and best friend Stephen. Thankfully, I've had the support of him, my doctors, counselors and some of my family.
~If you've read through all this, I commend you. If not it's quite alright, I frankly don't find it that interesting either. For an actual update of what's going on now, check out the next post.~
