You Are Meant To Bury Only Once

Hello, it's PetCrazzy/Pipesandsushi/Ger/Seb. I haven't posted on blogger/blogspot for more than a year now. The reason is I have yet to achieve complete closure after Melon passed. I don't think I'll ever do so, and I'm okay with that. It's that part of grief that I don't like to let go. I accept, but I don't move on completely. I love my little robo, so much. And I will never not feel the anger that I do towards myself for neglecting her, no matter how bad my condition was at the time. But now, it's time to settle. Semi Closure is all I'll accept. I wont ever truly let go. I want to upload more videos, but not on My Hamster.. Even if I do get another hamster. That domain belonged to Melon and I'd like to keep it that way. I feel like it keeps her alive, so it wont be easy to forget. So whenever I want to take a look at old photos and posts, I don't want to dig them up beneath new posts. Her image will be there; You are meant to bury only once.

So, that said, I am announcing the return of the posting. A lot has happened since I last was (publicly) on here. You can find the full bulk of it on my personal tumblr blog, PipesandsushiPersonal but I'll try to sum it up. 

After Melon's passing, I was hospitalized again and missed the last month of school. I spent a week in the E.R hooked up to an I.V and then remained inpatient for about a month, until the very end of May. I was somewhat stable for a few months, I adopted a ferret (weasels not rodents) because my mother decided I needed a change on the lifespan of my pets for my health to have a better chance of staying stable. This went well, and l'estate passed. I then began school at the high school in my district. 

For the first 3 weeks or so I was doing alright. Turns out it was temporary, though, and I stopped attending school by the end of September. Sometimes I feel incompetent. Kind of useless and stupid. Everyone else could make it, why not I? I am intellectually above average, I am naturally polite and respectful, I've always got along fine with people... But I still can't do the simple task of attending a giant school building with thousands of other kids. 

Truthfully, though, it was terrifying. It was triggering as hell and educationally, slightly incompetent. To be honest, past all that self-hate for not being able to function (without shutting down) in my district high school, in the long run I've made the right choice to search for better options. I spent the next months with my family, trying to figure out a solution regarding my schooling. On November 15th, though, I was hospitalized again. Again, my own fault. This time for 67 days. I wasn't home yet, though. That would take another five months. Now, I am home, in a school that I very much enjoy being enrolled in, and catching up on all that I missed since that day Melon left. You know, it's only now that I realize; that since that day, all the way until June of this year, I've been on this road that is a constant shower of lava falling from the sky and tsunamis crashing in. Funny, that throughout all this it's only now that I realize that since that day in April 2012, I haven't been okay... And it's all tied together and it's quite frightening actually how these things work. I'm not saying that if she wouldn't have died all of this wouldn't happen; no I'm sure it still would, but more like in this occasion, it was the starter I guess. Wow. Hm. I haven't thought of it that way. Hm. I see. Funny what a few minuted of themed ranting on a blog post does. Yes, I've missed blogger. I really have. It's different than a journal, different than tumblr. I think this is the one. At least for these types of thought processes.

I will post the actual itinerary thingy for my activity on another post because I thought up a clever title but the title on this once is supposed to be the one it is for impact and I don't like mixing posts when there's multiple points on different topics agh. Okay? It's here [LINK]